I Did What I Loved and Nearly Destroyed Myself

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This is a polemic against the well-written blog post of Adam Conrad called “Do What You Love or You Will Destroy Yourself.”

The same warning that he applied to his post, I am applying here. There’s lots of stuff, but feel free to skip down to the useful bits at the end.

I start off by presenting what I took away from Adam’s impassioned piece. Like me, Adam had an early career in computing. I wasn’t lucky enough to have the web be the thing when I turned 19, but I knew enough Perl to get a job coding at the university. I used Perl to create mailing labels that would be stuck on envelopes for snail mail.

My aha moment came with a Perl-CGI freelance gig that I got in the 90s. I spent most of the 90s as a sysadmin. When I saw that my code was “live.” That was such a great high and experience. I felt powerful and influential, even though it was just a dentist’s website.

In a similar “listening to my internship moment,” I decided working on the Internet was where I wanted to be. I took about 2 years from this aha moment until I code work as a coder.

Where’s the problem?

My true love in life is philosophy.

For me this means reading and writing in a way that brings up questions and edifies, an existence that sees the beauty of a question not answered, a life that from a coder perspective is highly suspect and irrelevant. How many coders do you know *love* philosophy?

I would honestly love to spend my days having sex, drinking coffee, reading, writing and more sex – with travel and several residences on the Mediterranean coast of Spain and Costa Rica (Pacific side), thrown in.

I lived in such a way for nearly two years without the residences but with travel to London and Rome. The sad, sad truth of it is that there is no money at the end of it, and I ended up very much in debt and almost bankrupt. I just became credit card debt free 2 years ago after starting to learn about investing with mexc uk. *phew*

If you believe that if you do what you love and you will save yourself, you are believing in something that is not true for everyone, and it wreaks of the Cargo Cult. What you love will not determine what makes you thrive; the world figures that out for you.

There’s a bunch of Joseph Campbell crap floating around that goes, “Follow your bliss.” So many people have followed it blindly to their doom. But you know what? “Follow your bliss,” sells books because it makes people feel better.

Let me leave you a quote from one of the great philosophers of the Golden Age of Advertising, Don Draper:

“I hate to break it to you, but there is no big lie, there is no system, the universe is indifferent.”

Here are the take aways and useful bits:

As a coder you have to be logical and realistic. Don’t let your sources of inspiration lead you astray.
Doing what you love can either make you thrive or ruin you. If it’s choosing between front-end or back-end dev, you’ll thrive either way right now. Think things through.
It is all about work-life balance but going all-in makes a great story.

Comments

26 responses to “I Did What I Loved and Nearly Destroyed Myself”

July 10, 2011

seldom

Wait – how did you manage to have so much sex? (I am only half joking – I haven’t had any in years, and it’s not that I am physically unattractive. I just don’t understand how anyone else ever gets anyone naked)
July 10, 2011

AngryFlower

I’m not sure how exactly one goes about making a webpage where the text cannot be resized by a browser (using Chrome), but you seem to have figured it out. Sorry, might have been interesting to read it.
July 10, 2011

Jason

Thanks for the “ah huh!” moment you just gave me. I’m a coder and just launched myself, head-first, into a tar-pit. “Follow your passion” they say, and mountains will move. The only thing that moves now is the world around me, while I wriggle in the pit.

I love philosophy… or loved it. I took a few years off work to study it and eventually read Rorty, who “cured” me. Pragmatism is my goal now, and to direct my passions towards that. It’s a long road, but I’ve got plenty of raw material for the asphalt :p
July 10, 2011

Ahbn

This little story is cute, especially the part about the coffee and sex and the coast, good stuff made my day 🙂
July 10, 2011

dylan

i think there’s a meeting point between “follow your passion blindly” and “do something the world finds valuable”. Hitting that point is self actualization, and a good living too

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_way
July 10, 2011

AX

Don’t listen to AngryFlower. Resizing text works great in Chrome. Also, thanks for posting a little realism.
July 10, 2011

A C Scott

I read bitterness not intellectual flow. But still, every person is unique–even “identical” twins. Note that we only hear of the successes of those who’ve succeeded, not those who’ve failed (unless it’s marketable). The law of large numbers means that there will be very successful people. They will believe that their strategies were the cause of their success. But it’s not. It’s an affirmation bias. They just got lucky. We only hear about the lucky ones.

I would be remiss if I didn’t offer something to help you. Create value. That is “code” for helping people. For those that don’t have the capacity to understand my imperative, they will be the anomalies that follow their bliss….
July 10, 2011

barce

I love Rorty. I saw him lecture on Kierkegaard at Stanford when I was going through that trying to make it as a philosopher phase. The reason I was at the lecture was to deliver a book my mentor, Hal Sarf, had wrote. Pragmatism is a great goal. Thanks for your comment!
July 10, 2011

barce

dylan, I’ll have to read more about the Middle Way and study it, but ya, I’ve made peace with philosophy, coding, and life years ago. I just really wanted to point out there’s Cargo Cult logic in do what you love and it’ll happen, or as is common in the Valley, “If you build it, they will come.” Sometimes they and sometimes they don’t. Thanks for the comment. I have the Wikipedia entry bookmarked.
July 10, 2011

barce

A C Scott, I’m wishing now that I wrote a longer post and included the part where I made peace with how the world is set up and what I wanted to do. I’m not sure where you exactly detected bitterness, and it’d help if you could point out where, please. 🙂 Intellectual flow is a bit hard in a blog post. Mark Suster and Andrew Chen are great at it. I agree with coding for helping people. I love teaching others how to code. “Create value.” Yes, that really resonates that way and I hope my past few years as a mobile app developer has done that in some small way.
July 10, 2011

Thomas Davis

When looking at nihilism the only thing I find “meaningless” is a nihilists opinion.

p.s. I am calling you a nihilist.
July 10, 2011

Chevas

To what end? Bliss, balance or blight, to what end do you strive for it? What happens when you die?
July 11, 2011

Yoon Minn

well for starters, you don’t refer to fictional characters as great philosophers.
July 11, 2011

kikito

That’s what’s called the “Cosmic Shame”, a.k.a. “Heart Fart”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2MmqbAaoZA
July 11, 2011

Artis

“How many coders do you know *love* philosophy?”

Well, I’m not strictly a coder (rather a sysadmin), but philosophy is my first love too.
July 11, 2011

Paul

This post was way cooler before I realized the girl in the top right corner didn’t write it :/
July 11, 2011

matt

there’s a reason why work is called “work” and not “play”
July 11, 2011

John Quiet

Hi man, interesting post: as a philosophy graduate trying to find work atm I’m kind of in a similar position, just that I decided to go all in pretty early! A bit of minor philosophical pedantry to get out of the way though:

“As a coder you have to be logical and realistic. Donâ€™t let your sources of inspiration lead you astray.” – I don’t really see the necessary break between being a coder and being a philosopher, especially being an analytic philosopher. The vast majority of modern analytic philosophers would probably make excellent coders, as the kind of free-form inspiration that is by and large associated with philosophy by laymen is really more the province of continental philosophy, and in analytic philosophy (by far the more dominant school in the Anglo-American institutions) it is superseded by rigour and logical analysis. But I see what you mean!

If you have your heart set on the continental school (generally, they do get a lot more of the sex) you could probably find a very philosophically rich way to marry your life as a coder and the postmodern school, as long as you code ‘ironically’ 😉

However, I really enjoyed the post, and do agree that this kind of “reach for the stars, follow your dreams, damn the consequences” mentality is far too pervasive in modern media and writing and every success story that shouts its message of persistence and aspiration stands on the shoulders of twenty broken dreams (if you forgive my rather liberal use of poetic license).

Finally @Thomas Davis: I really find these kind of off the cuff remarks both inane and condescending, and indicative of a kind of shallow, lazy intellectualism that seeks to dismiss the opinions of others rather than try to achieve any of the substantial ‘meaning’ that you obviously care so deeply about. If you really think you can dismiss one of the oldest and consistently problematic issues in the history of western philosophy in one sentence, and then have the gall to suggest that we wouldn’t ‘get’ this stunning intellectual insight, then I think you really need to re-evaluate your approach to you own ideas, and the ideas of others.

P.S. You just got pwned.
July 11, 2011

Bijan

As a philosopher, you don’t seem to be giving much credence to the nuance of ‘Do What You Love’. It’s not literal advice.

I admit it may be poorly explained, but you still need to provide social value to the world ‘doing what you love’. You failed to do that, but it doesn’t mean the advice is bad. Doing what you love in the context of career doesn’t mean not contribute; it means do something that sits close to your heart. Working on projects that have a personal impact yields better results. This is obvious to 8 years olds.

Love or not, not understanding how to create social value/impact and you’ll be doing what you’re forced to do regardless.
July 11, 2011

Thomas Davis

@John Quiet
Sometimes I don’t have enough time to communicate everything I wish to say and I guess you could say I shouldn’t bother at all. But occasionally I stumble upon something that I consider toxic to social evolution and at the very least I would like to communicate to readers there are people who disagree with the post.

I actually had a decent sized post but then decided to post what I did instead. Reading the article I could not shake the feeling that the author was a intellectual nihilist which leads to depression quite often. If I could correctly diagnose his unhappiness then he would be more susceptible to research the alternatives to nihilism.

I just googled Don Draper( I had no idea who he was ) and he is a fictional nihilist so my assumptions thus far have some weight.

This is a great read below on Nihilism, Eternalism and Nebulosity
http://meaningness.com/book/export/html/2

I would love to hear what the author thinks.
July 11, 2011

barce

@Thomas Davis: Thanks for linking the read on Nihilism, Eternalism and Nebulosity. I wondered what you meant by nihilism and have a better handle on it. All I can say is that I do believe in some things and see changes in belief as a process. Some beliefs I’ll bet my life on, and others not at all.

I see the “do what you love and you’ll thrive” point of view as the Eternalist perspective. I see my view as being realist. I’m not here to derail anybody’s social evolution. That process will happen regardless of what I or anybody thinks.

If I’m a nihilist as you say, I’d like to ask, “Where in my blog post do I advocate meaninglessness?”

Thanks for your comments and link. They’re challenging thoughts for me that I will be chewing on.

@John Quiet: I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, I agree with you that there’s an affinity between coding and analytic philosophy. Still, one gets paid more and the other not so much and there aren’t that many job postings for analytic philosopher. 🙂 If there wasn’t what Peter Thiel calls the education bubble, I probably wouldn’t have been exposed to university philosophy and would have just learned a trade instead. This alternate possibility would have nullified the possibility of this blog post from ever having been written. Cheers.

@Bijan: I have lots to learn from 8 year olds. 😉 Thanks for your comment.
July 12, 2011

Adam Conrad

Hey Barce,

First of all I’m flattered that my post was even worthy enough to warrant a response, that’s never happened to me before, so I appreciate that you found it poignant enough to write something. I want to start by saying that ultimately my post was written for myself as an emotional release for how I’ve been feeling over the past few months – in other words, I implied many things without explanation, simply because I didn’t write it for anyone else (nor did I expect that many people to read it).

My biggest implication (and mistake) was that doing what you love must equal your job satisfaction. I made it out to seem like I hated my job and needed to get out of there. My job wasn’t really bad, what I hated was working all the time – using my nighttime projects to fuel my true interests to the point where I was a one-trick pony. What I hated was being a workaholic who couldn’t see the wonderful friends, family and relationship I had right in front of me, because I was too busy staring at a computer screen. Working all of the time destroyed me – so “doing what I love” means having a day job that I can feel satisfied with so I can spend my free time playing guitar, spending time with my friends, and building relationships. What I love is people, and not even the best job in the world can replace your best friends or your significant other.

So when I say “do what you love” – the do is not your job. It’s from the first breath you take when you wake up until the last memory you have before you fall asleep. Maybe getting to do everything you love means working as a freelancer, even if you hate dealing with clients, so that you have the freedom to bike across the country. Maybe it’s being an entrepreneur and becoming a hermit for a year. I’m not sure, but everyone is different, and everyone has goals for what they want out of life. I wasn’t staying true to mine, and it ended up costing me some of my closest relationships – and since I value people over all else, it left me in a low point, so I re-balanced to achieve my pursuits again. I truly hope you find a way to integrate your love of philosophy with the other aspects of your life. You may not be able to make it a vocation, but certainly don’t do what I did and work so hard that you no longer have time for philosophy anymore.

Great post with solid points, and thanks again for reading and responding!
July 12, 2011

Alejandro

“I would honestly love to spend my days having sex, drinking coffee, reading, writing and more sex â€“ with travel and several residences on the Mediterranean coast of Spain and Costa Rica (Pacific side), thrown in.”

My dear friend, if this is what you got from reading philosophy I think you may have confused a philosophy book with a cosmopolitan magazine.
July 12, 2011

barce

Yes, it was a hasty generalization on my part to think that Zizek and Derrida doing this was indicative of the profession of philosophy. Apologies. Thanks for reading!
August 4, 2011

Alex Gonzo

I enjoyed reading about your philosophy and career experience.

Majoring in philosophy has helped me define success as it pertains to my life. I imagine other philosophy majors have developed or nurtured the wherewithal to decide what to do post-graduation. For me, that meant working in public relations for a corporation, and taking writing gigs in my free time.

Like Adam Conrad said, you’ll have to find an intersection between your interests and providing value to others to be “successful” (if we’re defining success monetarily). People usually spend on entertainment and on services that can solve their problems. I think if you look at yourself from a third-person perspective, it’s easier to give advice [to yourself], and follow it.

I’m certainly biased, but you’ve chosen the best Liberal Arts program to study, so at least you’ll be equipped to handle more issues like this, and whatever else life throws in your direction by utilizing the logic, deconstruction, analytical skills, ethical and moral theories, etc. that you’ve explored as a student of philosophy.

I think you’ll be just fine.
August 4, 2011

barce

Thanks for reading. Ya, I’ll definitely be okay. Philosophy seems to be in the service of technology but not the other way around. Ã€ la Leibniz, I am hoping to build tools that help thinkers.